A Night At The Zoo



The liquid was brackish and thick, sliding down in meandering paths.  Xander stared at his arms.  “Spike?” he asked calmly.  “What is this stuff?”

Spike blinked at him, eyes startlingly white and blue against the black gunk covering his face in a mask, extending back to darken his just-bleached hair and down to splatter around his neck, shoulders, and torso.  He’d been standing closer than Xander.  He also looked supremely miserable.

“Smells like. . . car grease?”

As one, they glanced at the exploded demon remains.  Neither asked the obvious question.

“Sometimes being a Scooby sucks,” Xander muttered, kicking the demon childishly.

“An’ you’re only coming to this fabulously insightful conclusion now?”

“Shut up, Spike.”

It’d taken them nearly two hours to track the damned demon, corner it, and finally kill it, putting Xander in a foul mood before he’d been treated to a nice car-grease bath.  Spike’s shirt—the new one he’d been so proud of, since he’d picked it out and bought it, all by his Big Bad self—was shredded and ruined.  The expression underneath all the gunk probably mirrored Xander’s to a T, although Xander doubted he looked that cruel.  He went for broodier anger.

Oh, the rest of their night was going to be so much fun!  It was okay when one of them was in a bad mood—usually, the other managed to joke and snark them out of it.  But when they were both pissed off and cranky. . .?  Yeah.  Bad times.

Hoping to stave off the inevitable screaming match, Xander scanned the area quickly.  “Hey, we’re by the zoo,” he realized.  “C’mon, we can sneak in an use a hose.”

Spike stared at him levelly.  “Can’t wait till we get home, then?  Must not want to dirty your precious car.”

See?  Fun!

Xander counted to ten.  Then twenty.  “No, Spike, I don’t want to get car-grease on the upholstery, since it probably won’t come out, even after we get it steam cleaned.  And then the car will forever more smell like car-grease and demon-guts, which isn’t exactly spring-time fresh.  Something you should know since you’re covered in it, too.”

He managed at the last second to not shout the last few words, instead turning away from Spike and stomping towards the zoo.  He was not doing this.  Really, truly, he wasn’t.  Spike didn’t deserve to be yelled at any more than he did, and he wasn’t going to play that game, since it always ended up with one of them sleeping on the couch.  Or rather, Xander slept on the couch.  Spike would do things like rip the blinds off the windows and sit in a puddle of moonlight, sulking, until Xander came outside to rescue his lover from impending death-by-immolation, and let him back into the bedroom.  Whereupon Spike would make it up to Xander in various creative, and very pleasurable ways.

It was cute. . . most of the time.

Right now, though, Xander wasn’t seeing the funny.  Or the cute, despite how Spike looked, stomping beside him.  Neither of them had wanted to come chase this demon, which had sparked the growing-ever-more-serious argument about why Xander took orders from his friends, and why Spike had to, just because he was with Xander.  And, worse, why Xander was friends with his friends, since they obviously had no use for him, except when they sucked up every available moment of Xander’s limited free time, leaving the vampire to cool his heels and wait, bored out of his bloody mind, until Xander got back, at which point he was usually tired and wouldn’t spend any time even talking to his very patient and virtuous lover, let alone shagging!

And more along those lines.  Only with less breathing on Spike’s part and more spluttering on Xander’s.  And lots and lots of shouting.

So in the interest of peace, Xander didn’t say anything as he hopped over the fence he and Jesse had discovered years before, looking around for anything resembling a water pipe.  There was a hose in the elephant area, but no way was Xander allowing Spike near the elephants—he’d start them stampeding.  Again.

A few minutes searching led them to the rhinoceros enclosure.  The huge beast was sleeping peacefully, almost fifty yards away from the gleaming, snake-like tangle of hose laying on the ground.

Xander had a brief mental debate on washing himself first—the stuff could be poisonous!—before deciding that washing Spike first was probably a better idea.  The vampire really did look miserable underneath the mutter comments too low for Xander to hear.  And they better stay too low, or Xander was gonna hose Spike right up his ass.

“Oi!”  Spike held his hands up, breaking the stream so the water cascaded to either side of him.  “What the bloody fuck are you doing!”

Xander counted to thirty.  “Rinsing you off?  Unless, of course, you like looking like a grease-monkey and smelling even worse.”  He bit off the rest of what he was going to say, turning the spray onto himself since Spike wasn’t going to appreciate his generosity.

“I wanted to get my clothes off first, you ignorant git.”

Maybe he should just abandon the whole counting thing?  Because counting to fifty was probably fifty seconds too long when dealing with a pissed off vampire.  “Fine.  Take off your clothes.”

“And you.”

“I’m not taking my clothes off in the middle of the zoo!”

“What, can’t let the manly rhinoceros see how small you are?  C’mon, get your kit off.”

One deep breath.  Two deep breaths.  No screaming.  Nope, no screaming.  Xander opened his eyes and shouted, “Which part of ‘I’m not taking my clothes off in the middle of the zoo’ did you not understand, Spike?  We have to go home after this, and the car is about two miles that way!”  He pointed the hose south, south westerly, unsurprised when the water arced through the rhinoceros’ pen and pattered lightly on the tough, grey hide.

And woke it up.

“Oh, that’s just bloody brilliant.  You woke the sodding thing up!”

“And this is my fault, of course,” Xander shouted right back, waving his arms so the water sprayed even further.  “If you’d just let me spray you then we would’ve been gone, already, back at home.”

“Oh, yeah, cause that’s where I’ve been dying to go.  You forgot about stopping on 9th for my blood, didn’t you?  So not only are you bringing me back to that hellhole, you’re gonna fucking starve me, too!”

The rhinoceros lumbered to its feet, snorting and snuffling in surprise.  Its large head swung around, trying to figure out what had woken it up, presumably to stomp on the thing that’d woken it for the presumption.  Xander looked at the hose still gushing uselessly in his hand, remembering something Willow had said about a rhinoceros’ hearing.  And how it wasn’t nearly as bad as its eyes.  “Spike?  Shut up for five minutes.”

“Don’t you fucking ever tell me to fucking—glumph!”

Xander sprayed as quickly as he could and still get most of the crap off of Spike’s face.  Satisfied when he saw bleached-white hair, marble-flushed cheeks, and yellow eyes, Xander then quickly rinsed himself off and turned off the hose.

“Now it’s time to run,” he told his spluttering, ranting lover.  Who stopped mid-curse to blink at him.


Xander pointed.  The rhinoceros had eventually put two and two together and was approaching their side of the fence.  Which was just a fence, since the rhinoceros was fed in the area they were standing in.  A very low fence.  The rhinoceros backed up, snorting angrily, swiveling its hind-quarters like it meant business.

Spike grabbed his arm and took off.

The rumbling, thundering sound of the rhinoceros chasing them woke the rest of the zoo’s inhabitants, introducing growls and howls and screeching into the more familiar mix of Xander panting and Spike occasionally cursing.  It had a good beat, Xander noticed just about the time Spike threw him on top of some kind of building and then crawled up next to him.

“They can’t jump, right?  Xander?  Xan!”  Spike grabbed his shoulders, shaking him moderately hard and peering into his face.  “Xan, pet, c’mon, you’re alright, right?”

They were sitting on the ceiling of one of the small gift-shop, eatery buildings.  A rhinoceros was still clomping around the zoo, looking for them, bumping into everything and probably setting off half-a-dozen alarms, if they hadn’t been already.  They were both sopping wet, with smudges of grease dotting their skin and clothes.  And Spike was starting to become more than just concerned, repeatedly asking him to respond, prodding his head to find a bump or a crack or some other reason for Xander to just lay there panting.

Xander laughed so hard he nearly peed his pants.

He missed Spike’s transition from concerned to angry, but by the time he started noticing his lover again, Spike was laying on his back and howling like any other self-respecting monkey.  Their eyes met, and they got lost in the laughter again.  They laughed while they struggled to help each other sit up.  They laughed when the rhinoceros found them and started head-butting their building.  They laughed when it gave up and wandered away.

They were still laughing when Spike started stripping them both.

“You. . . okay?” Xander gasped.

Nodding, Spike continued tugging at Xander soaked pants, finally persuading wet denim to slide down wet thighs.  “You?  Not. . . hurt, or. . . nothin’?”

Xander had to stop giggling before he could reply.  “Yeah. . . just. . . tired.”

“Good.”  And then Spike was nuzzling into his crotch, wet face almost warm against cold, damp skin.  Xander’s cock, which had shrunk in protest of the freezing cold water, instantly hardened.  “Mm,” Spike hummed, licking the tip before sliding his mouth around it and inching down to the base.  He was wiggling while he bobbed back up, Xander only aware of what he was doing when Spike stopped sucking and swung his naked legs over Xander’s hips.

“Spike—what’re you—”

“Shut up and fuck me,” Spike ordered.  It took some maneuvering since they were both wet and cold and shivering and not really prepared for this—but then Spike was slowly sinking down on Xander’s cock, face tilted towards the moon, screwed up and tense with the almost-pain of entry.  Xander’s hands were on his hips, rubbing slow circles as Spike eased himself down, panting out encouragements and reassurances, because he hated when Spike did this, no matter how much the vampire told him that it was okay.  He didn’t like hurting Spike, not like that, but god did it feel good, the way unprepared muscles stayed tense and unyielding and so incredibly tight as Spike forced himself down.  They were both panting by the time Spike took him all the way inside, hips rolling as instinct took over.

“So big,” Spike moaned, grinding down.  “So. . . god, you’re so big inside me.”

“Thought I was too small?” Xander asked.

Spike stopped moving, eyes bright and steady as he whispered, “Nope.  Just right.”

The pace started out languid and slow, a moonlit waltz against a sea of grey concrete.  Xander shifted until he found the best angle, not needing the tight cords of Spike’s neck to tell him when he’d found it.  Spike rocked in the cradle of his hips, not really lifting up so much as pushing down.

Xander slid his hands along cool skin, cupping Spike’s cock and just lightly touching it before starting to pull.  “Not hurt, right?” Spike asked, words coming out on each downstroke.

“No.  Not mad?”

Spike leaned down enough to kiss him softly.  “No,” he said softly.  “Not mad.  Not gonna make me sleep on the couch, are you?”

Aware that they were barely thrusting against each other anymore, Xander pushed himself up for another kiss.  “Nope.  Provided, of course, that you don’t get my car dirty and we do take a shower before bed.”

“Deal.”  Spike smiled, leaning back to start moving again.  “Prat.”

Xander accepted this as his due.  “It’s why you love me.”


“No?  And yet you always call me a prat.  I thought it was British Vampire for ‘sweetheart’ or something.”  Xander offered his hands the same moment Spike groped for them, the leverage allowing Spike to start bouncing faster and faster.  Grinning and panting and trying not to laugh again, Xander asked, “So why do you love me, if it’s not because I’m a prat?”

“Cause you have a great,” thrust, “big,” squeeze, “cock.”

“Oh.  Good reason.”

There wasn’t any energy left for talking after that, both of them fucking like the weasels a few pens over.  When Xander felt himself ready, he freed a hand to pull on Spike’s hard cock, timing his strokes so that Spike came seconds before Xander let go.

They both howled.  It seemed appropriate.

Stretched out over Xander’s body, their clothes sticking together from the wet, Spike lifted his head enough to stick a tongue down Xander’s ear.  “And you fuck like a vampire.”

“Mm.”  He could go to sleep, now.  Even with the concrete-burns on his ass and something digging into his shoulder, he had Spike lying against him, and that meant life was good again.  And that meant sleep.

“Should move, love,” Spike said.  Bad Spike, for not understanding the need for sleep.  “Sun’ll be up soon.”

Damn.  That was a good reason to move.  Dust wasn’t as comfy as naked-Spike.  “Okay,” Xander replied with a yawn.  Struggling to his feet seemed like a Herculean task, his body pulled like stretchy taffy, and his remaining clothes not at all interested in changing shape.  Naked from the waist down, Spike helped him to his feet and then finished stripping Xander entirely.  “Um, Spike?”

“You really think I’m gonna be able to get wet jeans back on?”  Spike didn’t wait for Xander’s reluctant nod, bundling their clothes so the cleanest areas faced out, and then climbed to the ground.  “C’mon,” he instructed.  “I’ll spot you.”

“You just wanna look at my ass, dontcha?”

“S’a very nice ass, nothing wrong with looking at it.”

Rolling his eyes, Xander hopping the last few feet to the ground, grateful that Spike had at least left him his sneakers.  “We’re going to walk to the car naked, aren’t we?”

Spike smirked at him.  “Well, we could wait for the cops to come investigate the rhino on the loose, but I’m thinkin’ we don’t really want to be there for that.”

“Point.  Very pointy point.  Shall we, then?”

“Sure.  But, hey, come this way,” Spike pointed the opposite way they came.  “I know a short cut.”

Xander stared and started counting to ten again.  “A short-cut.  Which will no doubt take us to our car without too much difficulty.”

“Didn’t realize we were by the zoo, now, did I?”  But Spike wasn’t smirking anymore, so much as smiling and Xander realized he wasn’t mad, either.  And not because of the incredible fuck on top of—he glanced at the building—an ice cream shop.  “Hey, you think we can get her Slayerness to pay for new clothes?  Since these are ruined an’ all.”

“I think we can work that angle.  You wanna go shopping tomorrow night?”

“Don’t you have patrol or a meeting or something?”

“Spike.  Have you never heard of playing hookey?”

Laughing, Spike thread an arm around Xander’s waist and began the long, naked walk back to the car.  When they heard the sirens, they started running.